Sometimes I want to scream, so I try. I open my mouth;
clench my eyes shut and I try to throw that scream, that blood curdling, and
gut-wrenching scream. Instead, all I can make is a noise, not loud, not a
whimper but a pitiful sound. A sound that mocks my effort at bashful screaming.
Next, I decide perhaps if I were to break something, do what most people do
when they are angry or sad or helpless. I pick up my globe like metal ashtray
and point it to the mirror and I think all right, this is it. I am going to
take this ashtry and swing it to the mirror and watch my reflection shatter to
pieces. That should explain how I feel. I will leave a physical evidence of my
mental condition, accompanied with a noise, visual to see after, if am lucky I
might accidently snip a finger or bruise. Something that I can nurture and make
better, in that process my mind too will perhaps heal. I see myself thinking
this through too much and then the mess, who will clean up the mess? Shattered
pieces of glass, do I wear a glove to pick the larger pieces before I sweep the
smaller one’s out. How will I explain it to the people I live with, it can’t be
an accident, I wouldn’t want them worrying about me, or say “do you need to be
so dramatic?” or “Have you lost your mind?” That must be it, I must’ve lost my mind to think a scream or
general disruptive behavior is cure to how I feel. I see a trickle of water
streaming down my eyes now, this can’t be, and do I let it stream down or wipe
it? Do I find a way to stop this; perhaps if I stand under the shower, it would
all mingle in, water to water and not much of a mess to deal with. Its sorted
now, I’ll take a deep breath, empty out my ashtray and take a shower. All of this should be normal. People take
deep breaths all the time, ashtrays are cleaned and showers stream down your
skin.
